GW Bush League - Week 5 (Part 1)

0-5

OH AND FIVE

That was my record among 5 teams this week - the worst single week I’ve had in the 18 weeks that I’ve been in 5 leagues (2016-2017). I’ve had a few 1-4 weeks, but never have I ever been completely shut out during a week of fantasy football. It was awful and I got fucked in just about every single way imaginable. I had terrible performances, I had a ton of injuries, I faced Carson Wentz in two leagues, I played vs the Jags D and I sat Cam Newton (again). My opponents averaged over 120 points against me and to top it off I had to deal with the double-sided-horse-shoe-shaped-dildo Tieg keeps firmly planted in his butt. It was an abomination of a fantasy week, but you know what? Fuck it. Fuck fantasy football. Honestly I don’t even really enjoy it that much. I only do it to keep up with you guys/my co-workers and because it’s fun to beat said friends/co-workers. Other than that I could do without it. I love real football and it’s by far my favorite sport, but fantasy football and actual football are not the same thing.

While I had a bad FANTASY football weekend, I had a great REAL football weekend. Like Drake once said – the best I ever had. The Pats won which was big, we really needed a bounceback win. While that was good, it wasn’t the best part of the weekend. This weekend my parents, brother and myself took a trip to Ohio to see the NFL Hall of Fame and to watch The Ohio State Buckeyes play a game at Ohio Stadium. That was the best part. We don’t have a college team to root for, so I chose Ohio State when I was a kid. I’ve always wanted to go there for a game and I finally did - it was awesome. Here are the highlights:

5. Ohio State Band – I generally don’t give two shits about a marching band, but the Ohio State band is pretty impressive. Their halftime performance was flawless and they certainly lived up to the hype. It was like the movie Drum-Line on steroids….. but without Nick Cannon.

4. Ohio State Girls – There are 45k undergraduate students there and 50% of them are girls. Between the tail-gate, the game and the bars I went to after the game I saw literally hundreds of good looking girls. It’s still Ohio and likely doesn’t compare to a Florida or USC, but it was prettayyy pretttayy pretttayy nice.

One of the guys I work with uses the binary scale when judging girls. A 1 is a “would” and a 0 is a “would not”. I saw about a thousand 1’s on Saturday alone. (I love Emma and would never cheat on her but looking doesn’t kill anyone.) It really makes you wonder why the hell we all went to Bryant (the business school is the answer).

3. NFL Hall of Fame In General – The HOF was really cool and I highly suggest making the trip at some point in your lives. The history of the NFL is fascinating and I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. There were also a few Patriots-centric exhibits since we won the Super Bowl this year. During part of the tour we watched a 20 minute video of the Super Bowl highlights and it was splendid. If re-watching that doesn’t give you goosebumps then you might not have a pulse.

2. NFL Hall of Fame – the Busts – I’m not talking about fantasy football busts, I’m talking about the statues of each man in the Hall. The best part of the HOF is the busts. There are hundreds of them in this dimly lit room that has this really cool aura to it. It’s 300 of the biggest legends to ever play in or be a part of the game. I got to see Brett Favre’s statue and take a few pictures with/of it. The GOAT. Bucket List item crossed off.

1. The Game and Tailgate – obviously the best part of the weekend was the game. The tailgate before was a ton of fun and everyone was having a good time. The two tailgates we went to were basically concerts with beer tents, food, good music, etc. Then the game came and it was a blow-out. Good Guys 62, Maryland 14. It was a classic Ohio State game dominated by a strong running game (280 yards total) and a stifling defense (66 yards of total offense for Maryland). Those are the reasons I like the program – running game and defense. All in all it was everything I hoped for.

So those were the highlights of the weekend for the Commish. While I went 0-5 in fantasy football, I went 5-0 in real football/life. But you’re not here for real football, so I’ll give you some fantasy. This week I’m gonna keep it short and do an old reliable. This week we’ll do a Start Em and Sit Em with the benefit of hindsight. We’ll also have an interview as usual, so let’s take a look.

WHAT IF HE SHOT ME IN THE FACE?: 3-2

Start Em: Melvin Commissioner Gordon was my highest performer with 38 points this week. After a slow Week 4 (5.4 pts), he rushed for 100 yards, had 58 receiving yards and scored 2 TDs. Define Irony: I win last week when Gordon scored 5 and lose this week when he scored 38.

Sit Em: Devante Parker Car In the Hahvahd Yahd was one of the many reasons I lost this week. Through 3 games he averaged 6 catches and 12 fantasy points per game. This week when I start him he gets hurt and has 1.1 points. If he put up even his next lowest point total (9.9 last week) I would have won. Not this week though, fuck fantasy football.

CALEB’S BUKAkE PARTY: 4-1

Start Em: Aaron Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade - the holder of the double-sided-horse-shoe-shaped-dildo I mentioned above. Are you kidding me? The guy who has 13 points through 4 weeks and was RB3 on the Packers a week ago scored 26.7 points this week? Aaron Rodgers threw 3 TDs and had 27 points, yet somehow Aaron Jones went for 26. Obligatory Ari Gold gif….

Sit Em: When Gronk was ruled out you probably assumed Dwayne "The Rock" Allen would produce….you would be wrong. Tieg made a last minute change to start Allen over Cameron Brate and the result was a net negative 16 points. As in Brate scored 16 and Allen had ZERO. When Tieg said “just smart decision making” in the group chat he conveniently left that one out..... and he still won. Only Tieg.

MIXONS HERE HYDE UR GURLEY: 4-0

Start Em: Alex Smith & Wesson for the win with a huge 34 point game. I won’t even mention how ridiculous it is that Smith had 34 and Hunt/Hill still produced 47 combined points for Teeg, but I won’t not mention it. Anyways the former #1 NFL draft pick threw for 300 yards and 3 TDs against a sometimes good, but sometimes terrible Houston D – in Houston. A lot of people envisioned this as a bad matchup for the Chiefs, but Smith is having a career year. He’s a top 3 QB through 5 weeks and the Chiefs are undefeated. Kirk Cousins is back next week and Luck should return eventually, but Keetz might want to keep Smith as his starting QB going forward.

Sit Em: I’ve mentioned Carlos Santana Hyde’s injury history a few times, but I never considered that he might straight up lose his job. Yes he’s been dealing with a hip injury, but there hasn’t been much mention of that injury in the Week 5 recaps. It almost seems as though Matt Breida just stole the job from Hyde - Breida had 10.6 points on 13 touches while Hyde had 3.9 points on 9 touches. I predicted Hyde as a regression candidate a few weeks ago (fugazi*), but I didn’t expect it to happen this way. All Hyde owners are feeling pretty uncomfortable right now.

Bud Light n the Dilly Dilly’s: 3-2

Start Em: A rising Deshaun Watson tide lifts all boats, but no boat has been lifted higher than DeAndre's Got Some Hopkins’. Since Watson took over as the starter in Week 3 Hopkins has 21 catches for 235 yards and 4 TDs. Three of those TDs came this week and Hopkins put up a team-high 25 fantasy points. Watson seems to be matchup proof at this point and ipso facto, Hopkins is back to being matchup proof. Once Julio is back Dylan’s WR group is gonna be scary (next week when I play him obviously).

Sit Em: Ohhhhh Sammy Elementary My Dear Watkins, gotta love him. After putting up 100 yards and 2 TDs in Week 3, Hopkins has scored 2.2 and ZERO points the last two weeks. He had a tough matchup in Week 5 and he’s always been boom or bust, but this was just brutal. Zero points on 4 targets is not what you’re looking for and I imagine Watkins will be on Dylan’s bench for the foreseeable future. (I didn’t realize til just now that both of these guys went to Clemson.) To make matters worse Davante Adams had 17 on Dylan’s bench. Oh well he still got the win and will get another this week.